Half of my heart is a shotgun wedding to a bride with a paper ring.

Okay. The picture may look retarded but it’s message is simple and powerful enough. Like it says, there’s just no way that one person’s heart can divided for two individuals. It’s hard enough to take care and channel your energy just to love one person. More often than not, it even exhausts couples to the extent that the relationship eventually falls apart. So imagine splitting that amount of energy between two people. It’s just not feasible on paper no matter how you look at it. And that’s just the theoretical aspect!

Now shift from the theoretical sphere to one of morality. Is it even possible to say that you love two people at the same time? How can you live with yourself calling two people ‘dear’, ‘darling’, etc? You’re not only being unfair to both of them. You’re also kidding yourself and telling the world just how much respect you’re giving to girls. It also reflects greatly upon what kind of person you are and the degree of maturity you possess. Don’t be such a selfish person. Stop treating people as objects of pleasure because they’re more than just vessels for intimacy or sexual intercourse. They have feelings too mind you.

Now when the cliche “you reap what you sow” comes into play, it never meant that the more girls you invest in, the more sex you get in return. If you’re thinking of that then why not think that it’s twice the possibility that you’re going to get slapped when one of them finds out? Yes, all men are the same cause as much as we dislike it, we do have our fundamental animalistic instincts. But what separates us from being an anabolic sex maniac is our ability to think. We have a brain that allows us to distinguish between what’s right and wrong. And yes, it can send signals that we process and allow us to make CHOICES in life. It’s powerful enough to hinder our desperation or lust yet it can also amplify our mistakes in an instant.

Think of life as a long road. And when the time comes to make a decision, view it as a fork in the road of life that you’re walking on. A choice has to be made. It’s not always certain that there’s a wrong or right. But there are always different consequences for each subjective choice that you make. Nonetheless, that’s not to say that both roads may lead to the same destination in the end. Pick your paths wisely for it also holds true that one road can be more difficult than the other.

Life’s an extremely long journey and there are many pitfalls in the way. Sometimes we mess up on the way and think that our life’s entirely screwed up. “FML FML FML” is all that we say. But how can anything get fixed if we don’t take any actions? The transient plates of life aren’t gonna shift themselves in our favour if we don’t do anything. Think of it this way: When something is broken, what do we do? We repair it or fix it of course. Similarly, life is all about DIY (Do It Yourself). When something in our life is broken, we just find a way to fix it. Anything in life no matter how difficult can be fixed and choosing to slash wrists or worse, commit suicide, is a pathetic way of dealing with it. One step at the time, free yourself from the pains of life and know that you’re not alone. Friends & family alike will always be there for you when you need them. Just remember:

There’s always light at the end of the tunnel. It’s never a dead end. -N

Forever my father, I’ll be saving tears in jars for this one.

Trust. Something that makes or breaks a human relationship. Like it or not, it’s pivotal as a building block in many intricate relationships and when this bond or block is broken, the very foundation of the relationship is put to the test and more often than not, the relationship tends to be affected or worst, a complete breakdown altogether.

Honestly, I’ve always believed that my parents treated me as a mature young adult who has the ability to view things in a different light and as someone’s who is able to decently differentiate wrong from right. And I’ve always been proud to tell people that my parents are extremely open people who trust and support me in whatever I do.

I’ve never been ashamed to ask girls over to my place as more often than not, my parents have seen girls coming over to my place to spend time with me. I’m very glad that my parents have trusted me up to this point and giving me the freedom to do these sort of things openly. However today, when my dad saw me with a girl, he pulled me into his room and told me not to “do anything he wouldn’t do”. Naturally, I understood his concern immediately and told myself that he had every reason to say that. But, what hurt me deep down inside was that he didn’t TRUST me like I thought he would. So now your son is just supposed to be a maniacal pervert just cause he wants some privacy with a girl? Thinking about it, why would I bring a girl back to my house and have sex if I know that you’re coming home any instant? Are you sending a message that if I wanna try something dirty then I shouldn’t do it at home? (not that i intend to do anything of that sort)

Dad. I’m 19. I’ve never done anything stupid to make you worried or anything like that. Sure, mom has told me casually not to “make her a grandmother so early” and I understand her concerns as well. But the difference is that she actually trusts that I won’t do it. For you to speak with me at that level of seriousness, I know that you doubt me completely and that you don’t even trust me. It’s disappointing dad. I know it’s only cause you care but I hope that you’ll learn to believe in this son of yours. Sure he’s not perfect, in fact he’s really far from it but I hope you can invest some of your faith in him. I hope you shake off that wrong impression you have of me. Deep down inside, I’m still the same good church boy that wants to help everyone if I can.

Love you dad. -N

Reminiscence — Our Fleeting Glory

Wa! So Hating (thanks for the drawing Thiha). That’s the first and only DotA clan that I’ve been in. This clan holds a special place in my heart cause it only consists of friends. These 2 years has been a roller-coaster ride. Laughters, tears, politics and whatnot. We’ve been through it all back then but now, it’s all but a mere memory. I thought I’d just take a blog post to remember all the awesome people who were there to share my highs and lows in my DotA life. Thanks guys.

Beta

The noobest most reliable guy ever and probably my best friend. He’s been playing DotA with me since I started way back in 6.38 and he’s been teaching me alot of things. Known for pulling off wtf clutch moves, aggressive play and an uncanny ability to irritate opponents, I’m starting to believe that he’s the only hero on the map the enemy can see. I lol every time he gets 4 – 5 heroes turn up just to attempt to kill him. Also, he has extremely good game knowledge and insight and I believe he’ll make an excellent captain any day. Always cool to see you die dude, it’s pure entertainment and it never fails to bring tears of laughter.

The hero I picked for you is UNDYING. LOL. Cause like Undying, you really are a zombie in real life. Moreover, you can’t seem to die in DotA due to your excellent estimation and amazing clutch. JOMBIES!

Scratch

Perhaps the nicest guy on the team and the guy that I owe an apology too. While he may not be the most skilled person on the team, there’s no good reason to talk about other’s flaws behind their backs. He used to have an extremely strong desire to learn and step up his game. However, perhaps my constant flaming killed that passion of his and I regret that whole-heartedly. Always there for you both in-game and as a friend. You’re an awesome bro.

I chose Tiny for you because like him, your perseverance is as hard as rock and cannot be denied. However, deep within you, you have the potential to unleash something massive that can rock the DotA world. But you’re growing everyday too bro. You never stop. (:

Puckvin Prosandcons

LOL. The biggest noob on the team ever who’s delusional and keeps thinking that he’s some sort of pro. Freaking hilarious person who has brought countless laughs. “Eh what is happening?” or “EH WHO CLAP?” all still make me laugh till today. Known for being a stupid egotistical noob in the team, his fails are his strengths and his weaknesses at the same time. Sometimes he can really impress us but more often than not, he’s a total noobclown that’s really lolworthy.

Remember this hero? We won our first draft when you played this piece of garbage. And after that you went crazy over this hero and couldn’t stop playing him thinking that you were some pro on him. I chose N’aix cause like him, you suck the energy out of me every time you make roflmao — literally.

Tineforth

The epic guy who can’t do anything but farm for 50min ++, get items and attempt to rape everything. Known for being extremely humji and useless for the most part, he can be a saviour at times when he manages to actually farm something dangerous up when the whole team is feeding. Also contributes epic laughters to the team and you can really count on him to carry your game away when you’re totally off.

Imho this was your best hero back in 6.52 era. You were so good at farming a fast diffusal blade back then that you could farm/rape everything cause you were everywhere on that map. Like a spectre, you have the potential to do something early but not when you’re alone. Also, your presence is always felt by the team even though you may not be there physically. BEN YOU HUMJI NOOB. – -”

LEN

The chickenboy. I believe that he has the potential to be a monster of a player. Yet somehow, I never did understand why he couldn’t play at his best. He’s very open to criticism and listens to anything the captain says. Probably why Captain Koon gays all over him on skype and stuff. Hilarious days. A brilliant player who selflessly dies for the team (when he’s not feeding like a noob), he’s someone whom you can really count on when you need that support in the game.

Len. Your favourite hero that never disappoints. Love her or hate her, i think you’re pro when you play her. (:

LeblueTheNOOB

It’s the backbone of the wish squad — the leader himself. Known for his countless zao sia, low IQ and GARGANTUAN EGO, I must admit that he is really a BEAST at DotA. He farms and farms and farms like there’s no tomorrow. Yet, he’s able to play most heroes flawlessly with both elegance and skill. Out-leveling everyone on the map, having the most kills and creeps makes him the BEAST of the team that actually gives us a fighting chance in drafts. As much as we hate to admit it, without you we wouldn’t have gotten this far. I’ve learnt alot from you and perhaps if we were more patient then “goodbye” wouldn’t have been a topic. Thanks for helping me rise to my best. It was awesome while it lasted.

Need I say more?

I know I’m not perfect. But at the end of the day, who is?

I’m currently suffering horribly while doing my COS duty alone in camp. It’s been a long and boring day and there’s more of it to go before I get to leave tomorrow morning. Well, since there isn’t really anything to do here, I thought that I’d drop a short blog post since I haven’t really posted anything for some time now.

Went to the airport with my “sister” Tingyin yesterday to hunt for xiao long baos at Crystal Jade but to no avail. And guess what? I actually found someone who speaks worse Chinese than me — like that’s even possible. LOL. It was absolutely hilarious to hear her attempts to speak Chinese to the waitress who worked there. And it’s some miracle that I actually ate the lettuce that was present in my minced pork fried rice cause I’m really, really allergic to vegetables. (Yeah right.)

Anyway, being the annoying Tingyin that she is, I got dragged into a camwhore session which just further exacerbates the unglam and ugly in me. But let the pictures speak for themselves:

Yep. That’s how I burned my Friday evening away with my darling “sister” Tingyin who nicely agreed to keep me company before I faced the abyss of a Saturday COS duty. Zz.

Nope. No writings or sharings on this post. Maybe later when I get some inspiration. (:

But that’s alright cause I like the way it hurts.

Haven’t been blogging recently due to a mixture of a lack of inspiration, laziness & siansation. Currently enjoying my leave break from national service and it’s a much needed break mind you. It’s almost 1 AM and I’m really bored so I thought I’d finally update this blog — not that anyone reads it. (lol)

Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde is a novel that centers around the concept of an “alter-ego”.

“An alter ego is a second self, a second personality or persona within a person, who is often oblivious to the persona’s actions. It was coined in the early nineteenth century when dissociative identity disorder was first described by psychologists. A person with an alter ego is said to lead a double life.” – Wikipedia

Sometimes I wonder if I suffer from that. Sometimes I really don’t get myself. How can people tell me that I’m a nice person when I have a conscience that tells me I’m a jerk and a mean, scheming person that’s out to hurt people? How can people say that I’m a social and friendly person when I’m known to be a natural human manipulator? Stop looking at me from the surface and telling me that I’m nice. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the compliments — trust me I do. But I don’t want people to have false images of me and then get all disappointed when they see the true monster within me. I just can’t live with all these expectations. I’m not perfect. In fact I’m really far from it. I’m never going to reach any of your expectations. Not now, probably never. And it really amazes me how quickly I can switch personalities. It’s like I’m wearing personalities for clothes every day and I have to switch them to cater for the different people I’m with. What a joke of a life I’ve been living. I don’t even know which is the real me anymore and no one can tell me cause all they’ve been interacting with is just another one of my alter egos. I’m the epitome of an identity crisis and I can’t save myself cause I’ve gone too far this time.

That crap aside, my birthday’s coming soon! (: And if I could just have one birthday wish, I’d wish for us to be friends again. I can’t stand the state we’re in. There’s no closure and I’m stuck in-between. It’s a horrible feelings that’s far too much burden for this fragile heart to bear. But there’s no way that you’re going to talk to me again. I really want to believe in miracles again.

Tonight he’s chasing the moonlit butterlies, hoping that they’ll lead him past the twilight.

Butterflies & Twilight

Liquid silver, her iridescence a reflection of the sun’s resplendence.
Rays of solitude that filter through the silence of the forest’s canopy.
He breathes slowly, indulging in the beauty of the nonchalance of the coalescing stars stretched across the darkening canvas.

Gentle zephyrs dancing around, caressing him gently without a sound.
A victim of his own vilification, a vagabond with tumultuous insecurities, he seeks refuge in the serenity.

No longer bounded by shackes, his future now impossible to ascertain.
He’s lonely on the inside but somehow he’s knows that he’s not alone.
On this peculiar night on he hears the undulating waltz of the moonlit butterflies.
A reverberation of sobriety that’s tempting like a siren’s call, dragging the clueless sailor along.

Caught in a inexplicable impasse, he finds himself seemingly ingrained into the ground.
“Freedom comes not without a price, it means forgetting the past when entering the twilight”
A melancholic abyss swallowing him like a frenzied whirlpool, his heart’s a dejected mess.

“How does one escape the perpetual labyrinth of pain?”
He sighes and clenches his fists tightly, knowing that of which he must do.
With a newfound strength infused in him, he starts to pursue the silhouettes of the twilight butterflies.
Glistening tears pelt the leaf litter below, leaving a final trail of despondency as he crosses the nether-blight.

x-o-x-o
IMYSVM-N

This mistake was so wrongfully right, as we caressed each other under the pale moonlight.

Avenged Sevenfold’s 5th Album entitled “Nightmare” is finally going to come out. I’ve already received the leaked tracks but I think I’m going to buy the album to support them anyway! The album is filled with many tracks that are dedicated to their late drummer James Owen Sullivan or better know as The Rev. Many of those tracks are intricately etched with the haunting memories of The Rev within them. Solemn reverberations and hollow echoes of a talented individual who left for the other side too early. He lives foREVer both in their music as well as in the hearts of his fans. Rest well Jimmy, I know there’s peace wherever you are.

A mistake worth making
This mistake was so wrongfully right,
as we caressed each other under the pale moonlight.
Fingers intricately intertwined,
how I wrongfully assumed that you were mine.
But my insecurities they’re hard not to mind,
they’ve made far too big a mistake this time.

I’m falling faster, my heart’s beating harder.
She’s slipping through my fingers.
Choking on tears and trying to wind back time,
I’ve forgotten that love isn’t just another fairytale rhyme.

Your silhouette’s blending into the haunts of the past,
This insurmountable rupture as you took off your mask.
I’m on my knees and at a vulnerable state at last.

You’re gone now and he’s stitching his wounds,
washing away the pain he thought he never would.
When you made me a option, you lost your right as a priority.
Cause darling, I always knew that it was never about the sincerity.

Still missing you dearly. -J